Not getting any easier

Today has been the hardest day since Monday after the break up. I knew my good mood/attitude wouldn't last. I have been a mess all night. The weirdest part is I don't know what part I am upset about right now. If it's because I miss him, if it's because I am alone, if it's because a group of my friends saw him last night and he was really sad or all of the above. I just know that I'm sad and that he's even sadder. I have been handling the situation the only way I know how, by eating. I never realized how much of an emotional eater I am. I was at a friend's bday thing today and saw a few of his friends and I didn't even realized it bothered me, until I had polished off a huge bag of chips, brownies, cheese, bread.. basically anything I could get my hands on. Which then just makes me more upset. It has become a vicious cycle that is about to stop. I need to stop hyperventilating when I think about him or about the fact that I am alone now. I need to remember that this is what I wanted. And if I ever change my mind or realize that we really are meant to be together then I can be with him. I also need to stop gorging on anything and everything at the first sign of freak out. The cleanse that I am beginning tomorrow I think is really going to help me be more aware of what I am eating and why. I am also taking the day off work tomorrow to have a me day. I am going to work out, read, shop and just relax. Much needed!

The New Me

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four years. We were inseparable for those years. We lived together for about 8 months and were basically completely dependent on each other the entire relationship. It didn't end horribly, but it was horribly sad. I still love him and want only happiness for him and that is why I decided that now was the time to figure out ourselves as individuals. We had been together since we were 20. We are now turning 25 in a couple of months and are different people than we were back then. We are now adults as oppose to wild college students with no cares in the world. Life has taken its tole on both of us in different ways and I really believe that right now the best is for us to go our own separate ways. I do not know the adult that I have become without him. But I am truly interested to find out who I am and what I am capable of accomplishing on my own. I have no interest in dating anyone else for a long time. I just need a lot of me time. I am starting off this voyage with a 21 day cleanse. I am not the type of person who handles sadness by not eating. I am quite the opposite. I have not stopped eating or drinking in the last week. I am pretty sure I have gained about 15 pounds, if that is possible. So I think my body deserves a break from all of the toxins I have been putting inside of me and it would be nice to kick start me into getting back in shape. My goal is to be in amazing shape for my 25th birthday, which is in three months. Aside from the positive affects the cleanse has on the body, it is supposed to be great for your mind. Which is exactly what I need right now. I will be officially starting the cleanse on Monday. I have never been able to complete something like this. This is my first test for myself as the new me. I think I will be able to do it!!!