Snap out of it!

Wow was I in a funk tonight. I was totally great this morning too which is the worst part. I actually woke up and made it to the early class at the gym, I had a dr appnt that gave me hope that I wont always look like a 15 year old, and work was pretty good. And then the afternoon hit.. I dont know if it was bc I was tired, had my period, sad in general or actually super frustrated, but work killed me! I left in a horrible mood and completely broke down to my mom on the phone. She made me realize that I need to have tougher skin and I need to stop feeling bad for myself. This is has been a serious issue of mine for years now. I have a really poor me attitude. I make myself feel way worse than anyone could EVER make me feel. Whether its beating myself up about what I ate, not going to the gym, work, you name it and I have said the absolute worst things to myself in my head. But I am reaching a point in my life where I think enough is enough. I dont want to be unhappy my whole life. Life is too short to be so unnecessarily unhappy. I really need to work on this. I think it is my main goal for this year. Yeah I want to get in great shape, move up in my job, etc but I think happiness will be the core for everything positive to come. BLAHHH!

Eats:

Breakfast: pre workout:rice cracker with small amount of AB (60)

post-workout: smoothie with fruit, protein powder and soy milk (250?)

Lunch: Apple, salad with veggies, salsa, black beans, and 1 T hummus (250)

Snack: 2 small cuties (50), small baggie of carrots (35)

Dinner: Lots of stir fried veggies with brown rice, 1 T hummus (use it on everything!) (400)

Dessert: 100 cal pack cocoa almonds, plus a couple other almonds (150)

Workout:

1 hour cardio/weight class--- kicked my booty

Sleep Don't Weep

I feel like everything around me has turned into a sign. Like a certain song comes on, something on TV, a comment someone at works says... Everything leads me back to the only thing I don't want to think about. Good thing no one reads this.. They would probably think I was obsessive and depressing. Which I am... but I don't want strangers to know that about me. "Sleep Don't Weep" was randomly on my itunes just now and I think it sums up my goal for every night. Wah me. Work at least has been keeping me busy, which I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing. All I want to do is be in bed all the time. I am trying to act back to normal so people at work, my friends and family dont know how sad I really am. He would be the only one I would normally tell these feelings to.

Day 3 of the cleanse went well. I probably will find a way to gain weight on this haha. Everyone has been asking me what I can actually eat and there really is a lot. You just wouldnt think about it.

Eats:

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oats, 1 banana, handful of almonds (350)

Snack: Apple (100)

Lunch: Small salad with 3 meatless meatballs, side of fruit salad (200)

Snack: Peanuts (250)

Dinner: Tofu and beans- small portion leftover at friends (150)

Snack: couple veggies with 1/2 T hummus, 3 grapes, couple almonds, salsa-- weird I know (250)

No exercise todayy.. waking up early to go to the gym tomorrow!

Back to Reality

Today was just like all of the others. I was fine all day until about 5... that's when it starts hitting me every day. Who I am going to call to tell about my day? Who am I going to eat dinner with? Who am I going to say goodnight and I love you to? The answer to all of those for me now is no one. I never realized how hard it is to be the "single" one hanging out with couples. I think I am also a little emotionally unstable about it also, but its tough. Especially when half of my friends are in like serious relationships. It makes me miss him more. But we weren't like that anymore. I am starting to think that I miss him the most as my best friend. I could tell him anything and he was always there to listen regardless. I could always depend on him for being there for me no matter what. He would do anything for me and I think at the time I really took advantage of that. But a relationship is a lot more than that and it is a lot more than friendship. And I think we were missing that something else.. the spark, the heat... But I know I love him, I just don't know if I am in love with him. Nights are the hardest.

Eating

Breakfast: 1/2 cup oats, 1 banana and 1 packet of stevia (250)

Snack: Apple (100)

Lunch: Vegan minestrone soup-- small portion from restaurant. Was stoked that they actually had a vegan option! Bag of baby carrots right when I got back- still part of lunch (300?)

Snack: veggies and 2 meatless meatballs (50)

Dinner: 1 T hummus, Roasted eggplant, squash and zucchini with spinach and some tomato sauce (350)

Dessert: 100 calorie pack popcorn with cinnamon (100) spoonful of new almond butter! yumm (75)

Exercise

4 miles running on the treadmill and then cool down: total 40 minutes and stretching

I am Leaning In

I decided that I needed a personal day today, so I took the day off work. I had a rough night last night and I thought it would be best for me emotionally and mentally to have some time to myself to read, rest and think about everything. It could have gone two ways. It could have either been super helpful or I could have had a complete anxiety attack and freaked out the whole day. Surprisingly it was the first of the two. I really got to relax and wrap my mind around a few things. Today was also the first day of my 21 day cleanse. So far, so good! It feels amazing to actually have fruit, veggies and lots of water in me instead of wine, cheese, chips and sweets. Each day, the book the cleanse comes from has a meditation to connect your mind and soul to the positive changes you are making for your body. "I am leaning in" comes from today's meditation. It is about moving in the right direction for a cleaner more vibrant way of living! Improving my health, restoring emotional connectedness and being more comfortable and confident about my overall sense of place in the universe. I really hope that these promises become reality, because I could really use this in my life right now.

Eats for the day:

Breakfast: Steel cut oatmeal, w/ 3/4 banana and 1/2 T of natural PB

Snack: Apple

Lunch: Salad with 2 T of hummus

Snack: Rice cake with 1/2 T of PB

Dinner: Black beans, veggies, and salsa

Exercise:

Ran to the Lyon stairs and went up and down about 5 times and ran back

Not getting any easier

Today has been the hardest day since Monday after the break up. I knew my good mood/attitude wouldn't last. I have been a mess all night. The weirdest part is I don't know what part I am upset about right now. If it's because I miss him, if it's because I am alone, if it's because a group of my friends saw him last night and he was really sad or all of the above. I just know that I'm sad and that he's even sadder. I have been handling the situation the only way I know how, by eating. I never realized how much of an emotional eater I am. I was at a friend's bday thing today and saw a few of his friends and I didn't even realized it bothered me, until I had polished off a huge bag of chips, brownies, cheese, bread.. basically anything I could get my hands on. Which then just makes me more upset. It has become a vicious cycle that is about to stop. I need to stop hyperventilating when I think about him or about the fact that I am alone now. I need to remember that this is what I wanted. And if I ever change my mind or realize that we really are meant to be together then I can be with him. I also need to stop gorging on anything and everything at the first sign of freak out. The cleanse that I am beginning tomorrow I think is really going to help me be more aware of what I am eating and why. I am also taking the day off work tomorrow to have a me day. I am going to work out, read, shop and just relax. Much needed!

The New Me

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of four years. We were inseparable for those years. We lived together for about 8 months and were basically completely dependent on each other the entire relationship. It didn't end horribly, but it was horribly sad. I still love him and want only happiness for him and that is why I decided that now was the time to figure out ourselves as individuals. We had been together since we were 20. We are now turning 25 in a couple of months and are different people than we were back then. We are now adults as oppose to wild college students with no cares in the world. Life has taken its tole on both of us in different ways and I really believe that right now the best is for us to go our own separate ways. I do not know the adult that I have become without him. But I am truly interested to find out who I am and what I am capable of accomplishing on my own. I have no interest in dating anyone else for a long time. I just need a lot of me time. I am starting off this voyage with a 21 day cleanse. I am not the type of person who handles sadness by not eating. I am quite the opposite. I have not stopped eating or drinking in the last week. I am pretty sure I have gained about 15 pounds, if that is possible. So I think my body deserves a break from all of the toxins I have been putting inside of me and it would be nice to kick start me into getting back in shape. My goal is to be in amazing shape for my 25th birthday, which is in three months. Aside from the positive affects the cleanse has on the body, it is supposed to be great for your mind. Which is exactly what I need right now. I will be officially starting the cleanse on Monday. I have never been able to complete something like this. This is my first test for myself as the new me. I think I will be able to do it!!!